spring's fruit...

My heart is very aware this week...
Aware that spring has come.

The fragrance of what was "promised" is wafting in the air...
Spring's fruit has literally been placed in my hands.

My mouth is actively tasting...

And my teeth...
Are grabbing hold of this truth...

"He is NOT SLOW at keeping HIS PROMISES."

True spring has been awakened in my heart.

This past weekend I had the rich honor of speaking at our Women's Conference.
I was blessed to be able to share many of God's important truths...
Truths that I have learned through long winter months.

As I shared and recounted publicly what God has done and is doing...
I wept healing back into my soil...

My sons are not forgotten...
Reminders of them are everywhere.
And though I long for the eight of us to be together...
Our Great God continues to use their lives and deaths...
To bear spring's fruit.

Sure... we have had much feasting since the loss of our princes.
But, this weekend I saw dreams come full circle.
Dreams that could have easily been buried with Lincoln and Tucker.

Instead...
This weekend...
I scooted my seat closer in towards His banqueting table...
I shoved the deliciousness of destiny into my mouth...

I devoured His goodness that is always in abundance...

I went back for seconds... thirds... and then some more.

Like a baby bird...
The mouth of my heart was open...
And like a Good Daddy...
He filled.

Experiencing God...
Experiencing His Bride...
Experiencing life the way we were designed to experience it...
Only increases appetite for more.

Seeing who you were created to be stirs a happy harvest within...

Leaving visible remnants of spring's fruit.

I am a thankful girl...

I am tasting the goodness that heartache watered...

This side of Heaven.

Praying the Garden ever increases...

I have a HUGE PASSION...

To pass the baton of Harvest...

To other hungry stories.

tears...

Today...

I learned a lesson about love...

From my young prince.

He taught me that sometimes...
The most important battles we face...
Are actually internal...
Fights occurring to keep health on the inside.

This morning...
As Bud was making a card for his beloved mamaw...
He was asking how to spell a word...
He then proceeded to tell me what he was going to write.
He wanted to know how their sick dog was doing.
As I shared the news that their sweet pet had actually passed away...
My mama's heart was undone.

I saw the heart of a 5 year-old sink.
A battle began to rage as he processed.
I could see he wanted to run and hide.
He wanted to bury and fight against what he was feeling.

Immediately he began scribbling over what he had just written...

What was supposed to be a light question from a thoughtful boy...
Turned out to be a tear-filled opportunity.

Reminding this heart of the importance
Of not turning away from pain...

To seize the opportunity to look it straight in the eyes...

To let tears win.

It was hard as I watched him wrestle.
I was broken as he clinched his teeth...
I was overcome as he raised his fist at the injustice of death.
I wept as the tears flowed and his heart audibly groaned.
All I could do was hold him tightly...
And partner in weeping.

This morning... In the midst of creating love art...

A masterpiece moment was found right next to...
The tear-stained scribbles.

Today...
We entered in deeper...
And we stood behind what He was creating in us.

I celebrate those royal markings..
Even though they REALLY hurt.

And today...
In a rare moment...
I was taught that being a superhero is not just about fighting the bad guys...
It's about surrendering to what feels ultra painful and terrifying.
Accepting the invitation for my heart and the heart of my son to...
Fully live.

Tears though avoided by many with super strength...
Are so IMPORTANT...
They keep the soil of our hearts moist.

Papa must have known that I needed a good watering...
He sent my favorite superhero on my behalf.

Our God is so good like that...
He knows exactly what we need...
And He is not afraid of killing our comfort...
In order for us to come more fully alive in love...
And many times...
That begins with sharing tears with superheroes.

just a small...

I am just a Small...

Learning to sit at Love's feet.

It is a new position for me...

One that is costing me everything.

My growing view of Him...

Enlarges dreams for myself...

And all of His Beloved.

Some days feel playfully sweet...

Others...

I feel like I am holding on for dear life.

In my growing field...

I am made aware of the abundance of weeds.

Tiny seeds that have blown my way that I have allowed to take root...

Seeds that all too easily multiply.

But even the weeds...

Are used to bring some of the most beautiful lessons.

They speak of the love and grace of Our Father.

I love being His small...

I love learning to love and be loved as His daughter.

In my flesh...

Mimicking His love can feel quite risky at times.

But to not love is the biggest risk of all.

So...

I press in...

I continue to sit at the feet of Love...

I offer...

And I ask how I might better share what He's given...

To the other smalls that have been placed right next to me.

And in the process of learning to love...

And dreaming the WILD...

I am so happy to hold on...

As His feet lift and carry me exactly where He wants me to go.

Reminding me...

The ride is Wild...

His adventures are FUN.

All I need to do is stay attached to Him...

And I'll always end up right where He wants me.

Because in His Kingdom...

His Smalls are pretty Great.

whispers...

The biggest secret that is being whispered into me as of late...

Has wrecked all former mindsets...
Regarding brotherly love.

Developing a sacrificial love life...

Esteeming the lives of others above my own...

A much harder lesson that I would've thought...

Especially as it appears that I also have 36 years of UNLEARNING to do.

This is not an easy task.

Not for me, anyway.

As I have spent most of my days believing that I should fight hard...

For my seat of significance.

Appearing innocent while...

Crushing others...

So I might occupy "the throne" of my desires. 

Laying down my dreams...

The spirit of jealousy...

Competition...

In order to help another's dream come true....

I am embarrassed to say...

Is quite difficult.

This level of honor is not something I have mastered.

Learning to be clothed in royal humility.

It feels a bit like wearing fancy garments that don't quite fit.

No matter the comfort...

I have seen what comes alive as I choose to call out the nobility in another.

When I dress to celebrate their growing story.

As I use my hands to bless...

It often feels a bit awkward...

For me...

And often the recipient.

Both parties equally struggling with this love exchange.

But worship is best displayed...

As we mimic The Son...

Using all our strength...

To lay down our "entitlements" for the sake of another...

Seemingly everywhere I turn...

An opportunity awaits...

To enter into the arena of another's dreams.

The question is...

Will I push my own desires...

Or get behind and launch the heart cries of those I love?

 

Listening for whispers is costly...

It means stillness and intentionality,

Two other areas I am learning more about.

Carrying out the message...

Means a comfortable part of me must be re-shaped...

Sculpted into something new.

Love and honor...

In the moment doesn't feel dreamy...

But... as we come beside one another...

Make space for the whispers...

We see that all of our stories are intertwined...

And that the victory in the story of a brother...

Because it speaks of God's heart and goodness...

Is really a victory for me as well.

Love and stillness do not always come easy.

So as He whispers I listen hard.

I enter in and PRAY.

 I choose to honor...

Not because it gets me extra credit with God...

But because it makes me more like Him.

And more than anything...

I want to know Him in such I way...

That with each and every whisper...

I look more and more like Him.

15

15...
Yesterday...
Pastor and I celebrated a large victory...
15 years of marriage.

15...
It is a big number...
Especially as I look back and realize...
With dating included...
I have spent more of my life loving Adam than not.

15...
A number representing...
Acts shaped by Divine Grace.
Oh this could not be more true.
Our marriage...
Our family...
Our individual lives...
All shaped by grace from the hand of The Father of Love.

It was a typical day...
A day on the go...

With Charli bestowing... her very own "puke-offering" in the early a.m...

The day was off to a bang.

No matter what we did...

The day just seemed bombarded with unexpected twists and turns.

We were not undone... 

Though it did make us crazy at times.

I just kept reminding myself of truth...

I am a rich woman...

And ESPECIALLY on our anniversary...

I have a house FULL of GOOD FRUIT to celebrate.

Truth is...

I don't need diamonds... fancy trips...

Chocolates... roses...

Or any other trinkets.

As the Good Lord allows...

I am blessed to end each day...

And rise the next to partner with...

My Good Pastor...

The finest man I know...

The man...

That sees and calls out the gold in me daily.

Thankful for the number 15.

Thankful for what it means in my heart and in my family line.

On anniversaries... and everyday...

Love means...

Being shaped by Acts of Divine Grace.

Thankful and CELEBRATING!

vulnerability...

Over the past few months...

The Lord has been opening my eyes...

Revealing on new levels...

His heart for vulnerability.

It seems that in our culture...

In our churches...

And in relationships...

The value of being vulnerable has been replaced with an old Eden inclination. 

We have become expert hiders.

Fear of exposure or attack...
We dress ourselves to impress...

Put our best smile and fashion forward...

Only to lose sight of...

Who we really are...

Who we were created to be.

Truth is...

I have learned...

The hard way...

Often the best blessing I can offer another...

Is the gift of being a mess.

A mess that fully trusts in His goodness...

But aches none the less.

Lately...

My desire for more of God...

Has left me wrestling.

I don't often feel Him the way I long.

I don't always see myself being used in the ways that I always dream.

Frustration... tears... and earnest prayers....

Have been my faithful companions.

Living and loving by faith is stretching me.

Somedays... 

My legs are strong for the walking...

Other days...

I simply need be carried in the arms of mercy and grace.

Either way....

I know He delights in me just the same.

His heart...

For His bride...

Is for us to be FREE!

Free to need...

Free to receive...

Free to love...

Free to be exactly where we are...

And ALWAYS... 

Free to share our struggles with others on the journey.

Witholding how our hearts are really doing...

Is like removing the climax from a good movie or a book.

We need to see the whole picture in order to better appreciate the ending.

And truth is...

Though I am not a baby anymore...

I still need to be changed daily.

More joy and life come alive..

As I offer myself as growing.

I will not hide until I have "arrived."

Because then it will be much too late.

I will celebrate beauty in the mess of today...

Personally...

And in the stories of others offered in beautiful vulnerability...

For they are indeed a love gift.