standing still...

Standing still...

Oh... it "feels" so much safer than pressing in.

I like safe.

I am a HUGE fan of safe.

Unfortunately, minimal learning occurs in the safety of "the standing still."

This past month as battles have come my way...
 I have realized just how many...
Safety-idols remain in "active duty" in my mind.
This realization makes me very sad.

Fear...

Nasty little "four-letter word."

Somehow taking that which is false... 

Transforming it into a mirage appearing so true.

When fear resurfaces... 
Rearing its ugly head,
I seem to run out of grace for myself.
Frustration sets in...
And I give my heart...
The "you should know better" gaze.

Introspection of this kind often stirs up unhealthy thoughts.

Ideas NOT reflecting truth.

And, I have learned I cannot afford to have a single thought about myself...

That The Father does not have.

I keep asking for Him to reveal how He sees me...

To show me what He was dreaming when He made me.

I want to see myself the way He does...

The way I am able to see others.

Full of LOVE and tender happiness.

He is The HAPPY God...

He is all smiles over what He has made.

My story is not exempt from this truth.

So... I am choosing to learn...

I am NOT standing still...

Grace must abound as I recognize...

The sheer act of being open on this journey... is a pleasing fragrance to Him.

Some days...
I am an excellent student.
Other days...
NOT SO MUCH.
It's those days I am particularly thankful...
His promises are ETERNAL!
Based on His covenant...
Not my feelings...
Not requirements...
Never my behavior.

Each day...
I am being released to a greater degree...
To keep moving.
And each day...
He reveals more.

Oh...
How easy it is for me to get hung up on ALL the ways...
My love and learning fall short...
Enticing all forward motion to come to a screeching halt.

Again, God in His kindness placed tools in my heart...
 4 smalls in need of a teacher.

Smalls that are actively growing...
Forever motioning forward.
Requiring me to live out the very lessons I teach.

And, as exam times come...
When I feel like all of my strength is being pushed to the limit...
I can rest in the truth that The Proud Papa is right beside me...

Offering His...

Strength...

Love...

Support.

Encouragement...

And resources.

Though I am learning a ton...

I feel like I know so much less than I did even a year ago.

This is most humbling...

But also helpful as I remember...

The goal of my life is NOT to know all the answers...

But to continue to sing in the unknown.

He is my Song...

 And, I will spend the rest of my life learning how to sing it well.

And in the leaps of this life...
I will learn to have this picture of ME in my mind's eye.

Remembering...

I am HIS child FIRST...

He is ALREADY well pleased with me.

I don't have to be afraid.

I don't have to stand still.

the ride...

The learning train...

Oh... it is so much wilder than I was anticipating.

Perhaps I was expecting more of a "Thomas the Train" adventure...

Versus a fire-breathing dragon.

Don't get me wrong...

I love the thrill of a ride.

But, some parts of it...

Well...

To be honest...

They bring to the surface...

Some of my more "unflattering" issues. 

The last few weeks...

I feel like I have been stuck on a coaster that I am entirely too small to handle.

A turbulent ride...

Moving at high speeds...

With rapid changes.

Causing loss of control.

The most accurate picture displaying my heart's contention...

Is this one...

I am embarrassed to say...

I have made space for terror.

I know truth.

I am a woman of truth.

I am not easily defeated.

I have declared.

I have repented.

I have renewed my mind.

I have "done" what I know to do.

I have not been very successful.

I have struggled.

I am aware that as people we respond out of one of two postures...

Love or fear.

As of late I seem to be repeatedly choosing the latter. 

Fear...

This posture...

It's a thief that taunts...

Like a small, heckling voice...

Calling from behind...

With laugh-filled lies...

Stealing joy.

Sure...

My issues... they would seem babyish to most.

They aren't tragic...

They aren't life-threatening.

My world is not coming to an end...

But they are mine...

And in my story....

They cause heaviness... cloudiness... and ache.

The learning ride...

It can be quite unsettling.

The dips of uncertainty...

Can leave one wondering if the calm of "safe" will ever return.

I am learning about faith...

In ways that cost.

This week...

Well...

There has been zero glamour...

Instead the view has looked more like a growing one yelling to get off the ride.

The questions I must keep processing...

Do I believe that God is GOOD?

Do I believe He loves me PERFECTLY?

Can I trust Him with my heart?

Do I believe He is near and desires my best ALWAYS?

Do I believe He is ALL POWERFUL?

And, do I really believe He is always thinking of me and delighting in me...

Even when I am found crying on the ride?

I say yes to all...

But, learning to function out of these truths...

Requires an element of risk and is trickier than I would've dreamed.

Honestly...

I am just a woman that really, really, really needs Jesus.

Which isn't a bad thing...

Because I really, really, really love Him.

Whether my track leads me to the small bumps...

Or upside down loops...

I want to finish well...

And, I want to be found enjoying the ride.

So as long as I have a ticket in this life...

You will find me...

Crying out for a greater measure of His nearness.

"God, I invite Your searching gaze into my heart.

Examine me, find out everything that may be hidden within me.

Put me to the test, and sift through ALL my anxious cares.

See if there is any path of pain I am walking on,

And lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways-

The path that brings me back to you."

Psalms 139:23-24

love offering...

I wonder how many times...

I have missed opportunity?

How many times have I kept my hands from offering...
Because they themselves were still in process of learning?

Far too much of life is spent...
Feeling inadequate...
Ill-equipped...
Uncertain.
When did we start believing the lie that if mastery hasn't manifested...
That it must be up to someone else to meet the needs of others?

Our hands...
May be prone to fumbling in the learning...

But...

Great works often remain dormant...

Simply because we are unwilling to practice in ways that reveal we too are still...

Learning ones.

Most times...

I find it's less about mastery...

And more about the mystery that lies hidden in community.

The art of a life that chooses to take a knee to "expertise..."

So value for another's story might trump the weaknesses in our own.

Just the willingness to enter in...

Can be the greatest miracle-gift for a heart that is longing.

I have much to learn from 5 year old princes that aren't afraid to offer...

Right in the middle of learning.

With all eyes watching...

The recipient impatiently waiting...

He offers.

He risks failure...

He struggles.

He does not quit in the midst of frustration.

It's not tidy...

Time efficient...

Nor "perfect."

But never does he apologize for his lack.

He simply enters into the need...

With a knowing that he can offer what he has.

I am certain more miracles would break out...

If in our learning we risked offering that which we felt "unqualified" to do.

One button at a time...

Our hands would help push the Kingdom a little closer into view.

With each new day...

I am growing more and more ok with the exposure of not being an expert.

Nakedness doesn't always have to be shameful...

Especially when we remember that as Sons and Daughters...

It is Him that clothes us.

Love offerings aren't just for pastoral rock stars...

They are for everyday mommies like me.

I wonder how many soldiers would be better dressed for the daily battles...

If I would put aside my fear and simply be ok with offering me...

No matter what that may look like.

spring's fruit...

My heart is very aware this week...
Aware that spring has come.

The fragrance of what was "promised" is wafting in the air...
Spring's fruit has literally been placed in my hands.

My mouth is actively tasting...

And my teeth...
Are grabbing hold of this truth...

"He is NOT SLOW at keeping HIS PROMISES."

True spring has been awakened in my heart.

This past weekend I had the rich honor of speaking at our Women's Conference.
I was blessed to be able to share many of God's important truths...
Truths that I have learned through long winter months.

As I shared and recounted publicly what God has done and is doing...
I wept healing back into my soil...

My sons are not forgotten...
Reminders of them are everywhere.
And though I long for the eight of us to be together...
Our Great God continues to use their lives and deaths...
To bear spring's fruit.

Sure... we have had much feasting since the loss of our princes.
But, this weekend I saw dreams come full circle.
Dreams that could have easily been buried with Lincoln and Tucker.

Instead...
This weekend...
I scooted my seat closer in towards His banqueting table...
I shoved the deliciousness of destiny into my mouth...

I devoured His goodness that is always in abundance...

I went back for seconds... thirds... and then some more.

Like a baby bird...
The mouth of my heart was open...
And like a Good Daddy...
He filled.

Experiencing God...
Experiencing His Bride...
Experiencing life the way we were designed to experience it...
Only increases appetite for more.

Seeing who you were created to be stirs a happy harvest within...

Leaving visible remnants of spring's fruit.

I am a thankful girl...

I am tasting the goodness that heartache watered...

This side of Heaven.

Praying the Garden ever increases...

I have a HUGE PASSION...

To pass the baton of Harvest...

To other hungry stories.

tears...

Today...

I learned a lesson about love...

From my young prince.

He taught me that sometimes...
The most important battles we face...
Are actually internal...
Fights occurring to keep health on the inside.

This morning...
As Bud was making a card for his beloved mamaw...
He was asking how to spell a word...
He then proceeded to tell me what he was going to write.
He wanted to know how their sick dog was doing.
As I shared the news that their sweet pet had actually passed away...
My mama's heart was undone.

I saw the heart of a 5 year-old sink.
A battle began to rage as he processed.
I could see he wanted to run and hide.
He wanted to bury and fight against what he was feeling.

Immediately he began scribbling over what he had just written...

What was supposed to be a light question from a thoughtful boy...
Turned out to be a tear-filled opportunity.

Reminding this heart of the importance
Of not turning away from pain...

To seize the opportunity to look it straight in the eyes...

To let tears win.

It was hard as I watched him wrestle.
I was broken as he clinched his teeth...
I was overcome as he raised his fist at the injustice of death.
I wept as the tears flowed and his heart audibly groaned.
All I could do was hold him tightly...
And partner in weeping.

This morning... In the midst of creating love art...

A masterpiece moment was found right next to...
The tear-stained scribbles.

Today...
We entered in deeper...
And we stood behind what He was creating in us.

I celebrate those royal markings..
Even though they REALLY hurt.

And today...
In a rare moment...
I was taught that being a superhero is not just about fighting the bad guys...
It's about surrendering to what feels ultra painful and terrifying.
Accepting the invitation for my heart and the heart of my son to...
Fully live.

Tears though avoided by many with super strength...
Are so IMPORTANT...
They keep the soil of our hearts moist.

Papa must have known that I needed a good watering...
He sent my favorite superhero on my behalf.

Our God is so good like that...
He knows exactly what we need...
And He is not afraid of killing our comfort...
In order for us to come more fully alive in love...
And many times...
That begins with sharing tears with superheroes.

just a small...

I am just a Small...

Learning to sit at Love's feet.

It is a new position for me...

One that is costing me everything.

My growing view of Him...

Enlarges dreams for myself...

And all of His Beloved.

Some days feel playfully sweet...

Others...

I feel like I am holding on for dear life.

In my growing field...

I am made aware of the abundance of weeds.

Tiny seeds that have blown my way that I have allowed to take root...

Seeds that all too easily multiply.

But even the weeds...

Are used to bring some of the most beautiful lessons.

They speak of the love and grace of Our Father.

I love being His small...

I love learning to love and be loved as His daughter.

In my flesh...

Mimicking His love can feel quite risky at times.

But to not love is the biggest risk of all.

So...

I press in...

I continue to sit at the feet of Love...

I offer...

And I ask how I might better share what He's given...

To the other smalls that have been placed right next to me.

And in the process of learning to love...

And dreaming the WILD...

I am so happy to hold on...

As His feet lift and carry me exactly where He wants me to go.

Reminding me...

The ride is Wild...

His adventures are FUN.

All I need to do is stay attached to Him...

And I'll always end up right where He wants me.

Because in His Kingdom...

His Smalls are pretty Great.