right next to...

Most lives are spent...
Striving... 
Trying to become something great...
Working so hard to earn a title or dollar figure...
We lose sight of truth.
People become a means to an end...
And we forsake the treasure sitting...

Right next to us.

If people and relationships are of utmost importance to God...
They should be the same for us.
I am learning that the best gifts in my life...
Are the ones I keep tripping over when I am looking for something else.

Funny that it normally takes a lifetime to realize...
Just how valuable family is...
Nuclear and extended.

With all the obstacles we face in life...
"Together" is where encouragement happens...
Joy increases.
We are sharpened.
And, where the cheers of another...
Impart the courage we need to plunge deeper...

Into the waters of the unknown.

Truth is...
It is a gift to have a hand to hold...
Just ONE hand can change the very course of our lives.
Especially when legs are shaky...
And the ground feels so slick.

As brothers and sisters...
We are granted a most undeserved honor...
The blessing of breathing words that stir life...
Propelling those right next to us to fly...
To dream their biggest dreams...
Believe the impossible.

Reminding others of things we all too easily forget ourselves... 
That NOTHING is out of reach when God dwells within.

Too many times...
Mostly due to insecurities...
I far undervalued the importance of people in my life.

I gave way to the temptation to hide from those with greater gifts.
Now, this 36 year old baby...
Is learning about relationships...
From the Creator's perspective.

I am learning to celebrate the strengths of others...
They have much to teach...
And I am most hungry to learn.
Surrounding myself with experts in all the areas I fall short...
Honors those right next to me...
Fosters relationship...
And, much to my surprise...

Helps me grow into the woman I am supposed to be.

I need the Holy Spirit in me...
And, I desperately need Him in others.

The unsolicited love and encouragement...
Freely offered by those closest to us...
Are often...
Just the nourishment God designed...
To feed our hungry little souls.

All too often...
We are busy looking for some crazy sign from Heaven...
When the answer is right next to us...
At the grocery...
In class...
In our church...
At our workplace...
In our very homes.

It's crazy to think...
The very person right next to us...
Might just be the very person holding the key to the miracle we so desperately need.

standing still...

Standing still...

Oh... it "feels" so much safer than pressing in.

I like safe.

I am a HUGE fan of safe.

Unfortunately, minimal learning occurs in the safety of "the standing still."

This past month as battles have come my way...
 I have realized just how many...
Safety-idols remain in "active duty" in my mind.
This realization makes me very sad.

Fear...

Nasty little "four-letter word."

Somehow taking that which is false... 

Transforming it into a mirage appearing so true.

When fear resurfaces... 
Rearing its ugly head,
I seem to run out of grace for myself.
Frustration sets in...
And I give my heart...
The "you should know better" gaze.

Introspection of this kind often stirs up unhealthy thoughts.

Ideas NOT reflecting truth.

And, I have learned I cannot afford to have a single thought about myself...

That The Father does not have.

I keep asking for Him to reveal how He sees me...

To show me what He was dreaming when He made me.

I want to see myself the way He does...

The way I am able to see others.

Full of LOVE and tender happiness.

He is The HAPPY God...

He is all smiles over what He has made.

My story is not exempt from this truth.

So... I am choosing to learn...

I am NOT standing still...

Grace must abound as I recognize...

The sheer act of being open on this journey... is a pleasing fragrance to Him.

Some days...
I am an excellent student.
Other days...
NOT SO MUCH.
It's those days I am particularly thankful...
His promises are ETERNAL!
Based on His covenant...
Not my feelings...
Not requirements...
Never my behavior.

Each day...
I am being released to a greater degree...
To keep moving.
And each day...
He reveals more.

Oh...
How easy it is for me to get hung up on ALL the ways...
My love and learning fall short...
Enticing all forward motion to come to a screeching halt.

Again, God in His kindness placed tools in my heart...
 4 smalls in need of a teacher.

Smalls that are actively growing...
Forever motioning forward.
Requiring me to live out the very lessons I teach.

And, as exam times come...
When I feel like all of my strength is being pushed to the limit...
I can rest in the truth that The Proud Papa is right beside me...

Offering His...

Strength...

Love...

Support.

Encouragement...

And resources.

Though I am learning a ton...

I feel like I know so much less than I did even a year ago.

This is most humbling...

But also helpful as I remember...

The goal of my life is NOT to know all the answers...

But to continue to sing in the unknown.

He is my Song...

 And, I will spend the rest of my life learning how to sing it well.

And in the leaps of this life...
I will learn to have this picture of ME in my mind's eye.

Remembering...

I am HIS child FIRST...

He is ALREADY well pleased with me.

I don't have to be afraid.

I don't have to stand still.

the ride...

The learning train...

Oh... it is so much wilder than I was anticipating.

Perhaps I was expecting more of a "Thomas the Train" adventure...

Versus a fire-breathing dragon.

Don't get me wrong...

I love the thrill of a ride.

But, some parts of it...

Well...

To be honest...

They bring to the surface...

Some of my more "unflattering" issues. 

The last few weeks...

I feel like I have been stuck on a coaster that I am entirely too small to handle.

A turbulent ride...

Moving at high speeds...

With rapid changes.

Causing loss of control.

The most accurate picture displaying my heart's contention...

Is this one...

I am embarrassed to say...

I have made space for terror.

I know truth.

I am a woman of truth.

I am not easily defeated.

I have declared.

I have repented.

I have renewed my mind.

I have "done" what I know to do.

I have not been very successful.

I have struggled.

I am aware that as people we respond out of one of two postures...

Love or fear.

As of late I seem to be repeatedly choosing the latter. 

Fear...

This posture...

It's a thief that taunts...

Like a small, heckling voice...

Calling from behind...

With laugh-filled lies...

Stealing joy.

Sure...

My issues... they would seem babyish to most.

They aren't tragic...

They aren't life-threatening.

My world is not coming to an end...

But they are mine...

And in my story....

They cause heaviness... cloudiness... and ache.

The learning ride...

It can be quite unsettling.

The dips of uncertainty...

Can leave one wondering if the calm of "safe" will ever return.

I am learning about faith...

In ways that cost.

This week...

Well...

There has been zero glamour...

Instead the view has looked more like a growing one yelling to get off the ride.

The questions I must keep processing...

Do I believe that God is GOOD?

Do I believe He loves me PERFECTLY?

Can I trust Him with my heart?

Do I believe He is near and desires my best ALWAYS?

Do I believe He is ALL POWERFUL?

And, do I really believe He is always thinking of me and delighting in me...

Even when I am found crying on the ride?

I say yes to all...

But, learning to function out of these truths...

Requires an element of risk and is trickier than I would've dreamed.

Honestly...

I am just a woman that really, really, really needs Jesus.

Which isn't a bad thing...

Because I really, really, really love Him.

Whether my track leads me to the small bumps...

Or upside down loops...

I want to finish well...

And, I want to be found enjoying the ride.

So as long as I have a ticket in this life...

You will find me...

Crying out for a greater measure of His nearness.

"God, I invite Your searching gaze into my heart.

Examine me, find out everything that may be hidden within me.

Put me to the test, and sift through ALL my anxious cares.

See if there is any path of pain I am walking on,

And lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways-

The path that brings me back to you."

Psalms 139:23-24