the ride...

The learning train...

Oh... it is so much wilder than I was anticipating.

Perhaps I was expecting more of a "Thomas the Train" adventure...

Versus a fire-breathing dragon.

Don't get me wrong...

I love the thrill of a ride.

But, some parts of it...

Well...

To be honest...

They bring to the surface...

Some of my more "unflattering" issues. 

The last few weeks...

I feel like I have been stuck on a coaster that I am entirely too small to handle.

A turbulent ride...

Moving at high speeds...

With rapid changes.

Causing loss of control.

The most accurate picture displaying my heart's contention...

Is this one...

I am embarrassed to say...

I have made space for terror.

I know truth.

I am a woman of truth.

I am not easily defeated.

I have declared.

I have repented.

I have renewed my mind.

I have "done" what I know to do.

I have not been very successful.

I have struggled.

I am aware that as people we respond out of one of two postures...

Love or fear.

As of late I seem to be repeatedly choosing the latter. 

Fear...

This posture...

It's a thief that taunts...

Like a small, heckling voice...

Calling from behind...

With laugh-filled lies...

Stealing joy.

Sure...

My issues... they would seem babyish to most.

They aren't tragic...

They aren't life-threatening.

My world is not coming to an end...

But they are mine...

And in my story....

They cause heaviness... cloudiness... and ache.

The learning ride...

It can be quite unsettling.

The dips of uncertainty...

Can leave one wondering if the calm of "safe" will ever return.

I am learning about faith...

In ways that cost.

This week...

Well...

There has been zero glamour...

Instead the view has looked more like a growing one yelling to get off the ride.

The questions I must keep processing...

Do I believe that God is GOOD?

Do I believe He loves me PERFECTLY?

Can I trust Him with my heart?

Do I believe He is near and desires my best ALWAYS?

Do I believe He is ALL POWERFUL?

And, do I really believe He is always thinking of me and delighting in me...

Even when I am found crying on the ride?

I say yes to all...

But, learning to function out of these truths...

Requires an element of risk and is trickier than I would've dreamed.

Honestly...

I am just a woman that really, really, really needs Jesus.

Which isn't a bad thing...

Because I really, really, really love Him.

Whether my track leads me to the small bumps...

Or upside down loops...

I want to finish well...

And, I want to be found enjoying the ride.

So as long as I have a ticket in this life...

You will find me...

Crying out for a greater measure of His nearness.

"God, I invite Your searching gaze into my heart.

Examine me, find out everything that may be hidden within me.

Put me to the test, and sift through ALL my anxious cares.

See if there is any path of pain I am walking on,

And lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways-

The path that brings me back to you."

Psalms 139:23-24